Being a Servant Sucks

I volunteer at my daughter’s school every Thursday and often I get to do fun things like work with kiddos in a reading group or decorate the bulletin board.  Most of my day is full of boring, but manageable tasks like copying, laminating, and cutting.  Sometimes however I am asked to do something I just don’t want to do, not for some lofty moral objection, but because it’s unpleasant or boring. I always try to accept these jobs with grace.  Remembering the reason that I volunteer is to free up the teachers and the staff to do the jobs that matter, namely educating and caring for kids.  But sometimes I’m resentful.  I have a master’s degree I want to say. I’m better than this work, is really what I mean.  But I’m not.  It is work that needs to be done and I have offered myself to do it.

Last Thursday I found myself hunched over a file drawer bathing in the hot exhaust from the copy machine.  I was sweaty, doing a super boring task, in an uncomfortable position.  My thought about half way through was that this was an odious job and I knew that I could get out of it.   I could complain and say I didn’t want to finish.  I could slow down and just waste the rest of my time until I could leave. I could not say anything and just do the next job on my list.  I didn’t do any of those things, instead I plowed through the rest of the filing and went on to the next, thankfully less tedious, task.  I made this choice because I realized in that moment of temporary suffering that being a servant isn’t about doing fun or easy jobs.

We use the language of being a servant a lot in the church.  We have songs and scriptures about it.  A lot of them mention humility.  We talk about service as a spiritual discipline, which is a practice that helps us grow in our spirits.  Examining the practice of service what I’ve found is that often when I serve others I dictate the terms.  I do something nice for a friend or agree to serve a shift at the food bank bagging beans.  In the faith communities where I work I’m getting paid for my service, and have an inherent responsibility to ensure the completion of the task at hand.  Those are all good things to do, and they help me to grow.   What I’ve found is that the place where I experience the most spiritual growth however is in those times when I surrender my agenda for another’s.  I think this happens because when I surrender in this way I’m letting go of self and embodying God’s love.

It may not be the most important thing in the world, filing papers, but it needs to be done.  Sadly, I know there will be more filing the next time.   It’s hard and unpleasant and annoying and small and unending, and I’m going to keep at it.  It’s the only way I know to bring love to others and to change my own heart.

-Eilidh

Love in progress.